What is my purpose?
I’ve felt for the longest that I have no purpose, that if I was to die today no one would know or care (Many people (in real life and online (which is also real life in a sense)) that I’ve thought as friends have stopped talking to me for reasons unknown to me (probably cause they think I’m awkward and are embarrassed to be around me)). And as of now I don’t know what it is. In the past I thought I knew but each time, my hopes were dashed.
First I thought my purpose was to be a doctor but that was my family’s goal for me, not mine. They meant well but looking back on my experiences with people in education and the medical fields and also watching how my mom was and continues to be treated with her ailments, I know for sure that had I went into the medical field I would have been unhappy and disillusioned.
I have a high school acquaintance that’s working in the field they always wanted to do but they’re not happy. I know work won’t be a happy time every time, but if overall you’re dissatisfied and unhappy in the field you’re in well then it’s not worth it.
In the past few years I thought my purpose was to be a writer, but that’s not it either. I’ve have experiences good and bad that have now left me burnt out. I do enjoy writing but I don’t want to do it full time, it’s not what I’m meant to do. I like writing and have a lot of ideas but my interactions and observations have left a sour taste in my mouth…sometimes it’s better to stay naive and not know the inner workings of things that you like, otherwise you become disillusioned and begin to hate those things.
So I’ve had to step back. It’s been very hard and I’ve been depressed for a long time. For years I’ve felt stagnant, stuck in the mire of not going nowhere and not accomplishing much. It’s really frustrating.
On Saturday when the great Muhammad Ali died, I started watching on Netflix the documentary I Am Ali. I didn’t finish it yet-thanks in no part to wonky internet-but one of my favorite parts so far was one of the many recorded (Ali recorded) phone calls between Ali and his oldest child Maryum “May May” Ali.
He asks her what’s her purpose. He first tells her-and I’m paraphrasing here-that everything that God made has purpose and he gives her examples like the trees, and then asks her what’s the sun’s purpose and then he asks her “What’s your purpose?”
That was a powerful moment for me.
Everything has a purpose which means I HAVE A PURPOSE, but the question remains-what is my purpose?
For now I’m searching for my purpose, my vocation. The journey is hard but I know once I find my purpose, it’ll be worth all the pain and joy that I’ve experienced so far.